Those of you who know me know I have a love/hate relationship with both alcohol and marijuana, as in, I love them and hate not having any readily available. I’m what you would call a functional alcoholic at best and a regular alcoholic at worst, but it wasn’t always so. You see, I was raised in a very strict Christian home, went to church four times a week and was convinced that alcohol was the devil’s bathwater and Mary Jane was the love he shared it with. I didn’t touch my first drink until the ripe old age of 19 and smoked my first joint a few years later at 24, and the party hasn’t stopped…
I’ve recently turned 30 and thought I’d like to commemorate the occasion in a manner I normally wouldn’t. I decided to quit both booze and the stickiest of icky cold turkey for a week. Here are a few things I learned about myself throughout.
I really, really, fucking love cannabis. It’s all I’ve thought about since giving it up. Sure skipping my breakfast, and subsequent, brews was tough but it took tossing my stash of green to keep my promise to go cold turkey. Which brought me to a very harsh realization: I had no appetite without my pot.
Or so I thought. Turns out I just had no appetite for the insane amount of munchy foods I kept stashed around my room. I barely ate anything the first 24 hours in, then a funny thing happened; I got hungry. Duran Duran hungry. Like a wolf, I emerged from my den on the hunt for fresh meat and water. Luckily I live within walking distance of a Farmers Market and was able to feast like a king in only a matter of minutes. Not only have I gotten back into healthier eating but, like other gateway drugs, “habits” lead to other, harder “habits”. In this case, it led to working out, and that gave way to increased energy and overall kick-assedness. And to think, all I really needed was a slice of humble pie.
MY GOD THE CLARITY! Do you remember those Claritin commercials where they would talk about birds banging bees to make you sneeze or whatever? It was all sunny out and some dude and his dog would be playing Frisbee in a hilly green park at like, 11 am on a Tuesday and you’d be all, “Wish I had a Golden Retriever...” Then suddenly they’d “remove” that dingy film you didn’t even know crept over your television set during the commercial and it was like “Oh shit, my eyes are terrible!”
Well, one day without pot made that commercial look like shit covered chocolate raisins.
On top of this ocular onslaught of the most brilliant variety I noticed a credible uptick in areas of my job that pertained to critical thinking and problem solving.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not an advocate of drinking or doing illicit drugs on the job site but any minute not spent crammed into a crummy cubicle is fair game. And I play to win, but post game stink tends to follow you long after the crowd has dispersed. Who knew?
Let’s just say it’s up. Constantly.
4. SENSE OF HUMOR/WIT
George Washington famously declared, “I cannot tell a lie. I cut it with my hatchet!”
I would like to borrow that phrase because cut it with a hatchet I did. Beer was the sharpest stone on which to dull my wit. The problem is I was so bombed I didn’t notice my “humor” had turned to snarky sarcasm; Great in small doses, exponentially more annoying any miniscule amount beyond that.
Now much of life’s lessons are subject to subjection and humor is no different, however, all of that aforementioned clarity gave me a bit of contrast as well. Things not only literally lightened up, they metaphorically did too.
Seeing as how we’re talking about humor, I may as well leave you with a joke: What does a good author say when his words begin to run long?
I learned quite a bit. What started out as a diary with a modicum of experimentation turned out to be a great decision, but that’s just me. What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander and if you’re swallowing any of this take it with a grain of salt. Will I cut pilsners and pot completely from my life? Probably not, but as of right now I can say that unlike masturbation, sobriety is a pleasure I don’t mind getting caught indulging in.